The Longest Joke in the World (as told by Cjacobs)

So, a man is wandering through the desert. He's lost. He's been lost for, y'know, almost a full day now. So lost that he doesn't think he'll ever be able to find his way back to civilization. He was driving along a desert highway when his car ran out of gas. And he thought he might as well just walk, y'know, walk back to town. But he went the wrong direction. And the road ended. So now he's lost in the desert. None of his camping supplies, they're all back in his truck. And he's feeling pretty hopeless. And he walks. And he walks and walks until the sun sets and the cool evening falls over the desert.

So, the man is about to, y'know, just kinda, sit down at the top of a hill and give up hope. Because it's hot, even in the late afternoon evening sun descending into the cool night in the desert. But he spots a cave. Salvation! Hope! All that shit. And he says: "Okay, well, I'll just rest in the cave for the night. And then I'll come back in the morning. And I'll go back and look for my truck."

He goes into the cave and it's very dark. So the man brings out the only contents of his pockets: a lighter. And he's wandering through the darkness y'know trying to find the deepest part of the cave where it would be the coolest so he can get away from the heat. And eventually he notices that it's starting to get a little brighter in the cave. Y'know, bright enough that he doesn't need the lighter to see anymore for some reason. Very strange.

And he comes across this cavern. Big giant cavern, with a cerulean glowing pool in the center and a small stone edifice at the top rising up a set of, y'know, elaborate stone staircases. Waterfall behind the pool casting a glow on the whole cave. And he's like: "Holy shit! Have I found water that I can drink?" And he runs forward to take a sip, y'know. But before he can do so he's startled as a giant, giant, huge, massive, enormous snake descends from a stalactite (or stalagmite, whichever one is the one that hangs on the ceiling). It was coiled around it. And the snake lands in front of him. A giant snake, just huuuge, the whole size of the room almost. And he's like: "Holy crap! Oh my god, I'm gonna die!" But then the snake speaks and the man is startled, obviously, by a fucking snake talking to him.

And the snake says: "What are you doing here? How did you find my secret cave?" And the man says: "I dunno. I was just seeking shelter from the heat, man. Leave me alone! I just wanted some water." And the snake's like: "Oh, okay. Well, that's fine. You're safe here. You can drink." And so the snake moves to the side. And the man hesitantly, obviously, goes and takes a drink of the water. It's delicious. It's the freshest water he's ever tasted. Doesn't even need to be, like, boiled or whatever you do to water. He doesn't even have to drink his own urine first.

So, the man and the snake stare at each other after he, y'know, gets his fill of the water. And the snake asks again: "Seriously, though, what are you doing here? How did you find this place? I thought this place would be hidden for all eternity. Or at least that was my goal." And the man says: "Why? I mean, you're a giant talking snake, yeah. But, like, that's pretty crazy. Like, you'd think you'd want to talk to people or other snakes at least." And the guy's like: "No, you can't, you can't talk to other snakes, that's stupid. I talk in human English. Snakes don't speak English." And the guy's like: "Okay, yeah, that's fair. But really, though, why, why do you want the cave to remain hidden for all eternity." And the snake's like: "Alright, I'll tell you. But you have to promise, pinky-swear, not to tell anybody. Don't tell anyone!" And the guy says: "Okay. Fine. Your secret's safe with me. I'm probably gonna die here in the desert, anyway." And the snake's like: "Yeah, okay. That's fair."

To be continued…